the-business-of-me-blog

Emotional Abuse

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 19:42:29 +0100

Most people think physical abuse is far worse than emotional abuse. Yes, physical abuse can send the victim to the hospital but the scars of emotional abuse can last for years. Many of you know I was diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome shortly after I left my ex-husband and was in therapy for 10 years.

A woman may not be physically abused but if she is emotionally abused – she is being abused. Even if she may not acknowledge it, emotional abuse is abuse.

A woman is emotionally abused if her partner consistently beats away at her self esteem and self worth. Your feelings of worthlessness may trap the woman in the relationship as she feels she cannot make it on her own.

According to www.helpguide.org emotional abuse includes verbal abuse such as yelling, name-calling, blaming, and shaming. Isolation, intimidation, and controlling behavior also fall under emotional abuse. Additionally, abusers who use emotional or psychological abuse often throw in threats of physical violence or other repercussions if you don’t do what they want.

If you or someone you know answer yes to any of the following questions you are being emotionally abused.

Does your partner:

· Humiliate or yell at you?

· Criticize you and put you down?

· Treat you so badly that you’re embarrassed in front of your family and friends?

· Ignore or put down your opinions or accomplishments?

· Blame you for his abusive behavior?

· See you as property or a sex object, rather than as a person?

Emotional abuse is abuse. Know the signs!

Economic Abuse Is Dangerous

Thu, 22 Jul 2010 17:56:54 +0100

When I left my ex-husband I was 39 years old and during our marriage he dominated the family finances. I was a vice president with a Wall St. insurance company and I would turn over my earnings to my ex-husband who gave me an allowance that I had to account for. I did not even have my own checking account until I left him.

The abuser controls the finances as a means of control over the victim. Women arrive at shelters bewildered and scared and so many don’t even have a credit card or any money of their own. And once she has left she can count on the abuser cutting off any access to family funds.

Most people think of physical, emotional, and sexual abuse when they hear the words "domestic violence." What many people don't realize is that abusers also can be economically abusive.

Economic abuse occurs when the abuser:

· Dominates control of the finances

· Doesn't allow the victim to work or earn her own money

· Jeopardizes the victim’s employment by harassing her at work

· Taking a partner's money without her permission

· Being forced to be the main income provider

· Denies access to information about the family finances

The list goes on and on. Economic abuse is a very real form of abuse and can have lifelong impact on the victim lasting long after the abusive relationship has ended.

Economic abuse has devastating effects!

Why Financial Self-Sufficiency Is So Important For Women

Tue, 20 Jul 2010 17:36:29 +0100

Today I did an interview with Brad Davis of WDRC in Bloomfield, CT and Brad asked me why financial self-sufficiency is so important to women survivors of domestic violence.

I told Brad that when I left my ex-husband I was 39 years old and during our marriage he dominated the family finances. In spite of the fact that I was a vice president with a Wall Street insurance company and managed corporate budgets in the millions of dollars annually, I would turn over my earnings to my ex-husband who gave me an allowance that I had to account for. I was 39 years old when I left him and I didn't even have my own checking account.

As a kid, money was never discussed in our house, and for the twenty years of my marriage, my ex-husband controlled our finances.

Domestic violence includes physical, emotional, sexual and economic abuse. The abuser controls the finances as a means of control over the victim. The women arrive at shelters bewildered and scared and so many don’t even have a credit card or any money of their own. And once she has left she can count on the abuser cutting off any access to family funds.

If women are to stay out of abusive relationships they must be financially literate.

Violence Breeds Violence

Wed, 14 Jul 2010 20:44:41 +0100

An article I recently read in Science Daily is titled “Violent Upbringing May Lead To Domestic Violence.”

According to the article early exposure to a violent environment is likely to lead to domestic violence situations later in life. Logically if one is exposed to violence at home they are certainly more likely to either become victims or abusers. You can read the article to find out the reasons http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/10/091005161330.htm.

But how big of a problem is the U.S. facing? According to a research study on posted on American Bar Association website http://new.abanet.org/domesticviolence/Pages/Statistics.aspx, 3.3 million to 10 million children witness domestic violence annually. WOW!

Domestic violence hurts us all- including our children!

Blame the Abuser Not the Victim

Mon, 12 Jul 2010 18:26:25 +0100

In my June 21st post I talked about the economic reasons for women returning to their abuser.

Paula Horton in her The News of Tacoma article today cites other issues facing these women when they leave their abuser http://www.thenewstribune.com/2010/07/12/1260779/domestic-violence-victims-find.html.

Women return for a multitude of reasons. Many times the abuser is relentless and wears the woman down and women sometimes feel that it’s just easier to go back; as hard as she is trying to break free, he is trying 10 times harder to get her back.

The article talks about a woman who left her abuser and got assistance from her family to pay legal costs as she battled for her children. The judge awarded joint custody, and when the abuser had the children he tried to turn them against her by playing the “good parent” and allowing them to do whatever they wanted. This included allowing their teenage daughter to date an older man. The woman eventually went back so that she could watch her children.

The article interviewed a number of domestic violence advocates who agree that the most dangerous time for a woman is after she has left the violent relationship or is trying to break up because leaving typically results in an escalation of violence. Protection orders can help some victims but for some abusers, well, a piece of paper doesn't stop them.

These advocates also say that we should not judge the victim for going back; rather put the energy, anger and frustration where it belongs – on the abuser. Provide the victim support, whether it’s the first time or the 100th time that she has gone back.

Remember, it takes, on average, 7 to 8 tries before she gets out and stays out.

The Children Have Higher Medical Costs

Thu, 08 Jul 2010 14:05:25 +0100

On Monday I wrote about how women who leave domestic violent relationships incur higher medical costs for the three years after the abuse has ended.

News flash! Children whose mothers are subject to Intimate Partner Violence (Domestic Violence) incur higher health care costs than children whose mothers have no history of abuse according to Science Daily (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2007/12/071214183440.htm). This should not come as a surprise.

The children who are exposed to violence against their mothers tend to have more mental health problems. And since they live in abusive households they are at an increased risk of being abused, they have school problems; they have poor health and are at risk of becoming abusers themselves. Not a pretty scenario.

In fact the overall cost of health care is 11 percent higher than for children whose mothers are not abused.

Domestic violence hurts us all and we all share the burden of the increased cost of medical care!

Domestic Violence We All Pay The Price

Tue, 06 Jul 2010 18:05:09 +0100

If you still think domestic violence is a private issue here is another fact. Domestic violence victims incur higher medical costs years after the abuse ends according to an article in Science Daily (http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2010/04/100426131559.htm).

According to the article victims of domestic violence have significantly higher health care costs than other women for three years after the abuse ends. Survivors of domestic violence incur higher health care costs than other women and those costs average $1,200 more in the first two years after the abuse ends and $400 more in the third year.

The women continue to experience both physical and emotional consequences years after the abuse ends. Many women seek mental health services. I know I did. My medical costs were higher because I was in therapy for ten years.

We all pay the price for domestic violence!

Aspirations Can Become A Reality

Wed, 30 Jun 2010 14:53:41 +0100

I always wanted to be a writer and now I am. It did not happen overnight and it did not happen just because I wished it to be so. It happened because I had a vision and turned that vision into a plan.

It started with an aspiration. An aspiration is a goal and I began the process of achieving my goal/aspiration with a well thought out plan.

In the first weekly session of “The Business of Me” we include a section about visioning and request the participants to create a vision for their life. We also request that they include in their vision an aspiration, something they want to achieve in their career or profession.

“The Business of Me” then guides the participants to develop a plan to make their aspirations a reality. Without a plan aspirations will remain just that aspirations, but to make aspirations a reality you need to establish a plan. And “The Business of Me” counsels the participants to create their plan so their aspirations become a reality.

Often, the difference between success or failure of an idea is simply taking action on it.

Sometimes It’s Hard

Mon, 28 Jun 2010 19:16:49 +0100

“The Business of Me” gives the participants methods they can use to overcome their fears of managing their own money. We have the participants write down their negative self-talk in a notebook and next to it write a countervailing positive affirmation. That sounds easy, doesn't it?

Well, it’s not easy in fact; it's a very difficult process. It takes a lot of work to be aware of all the negative chatter that goes on in our heads. But if we develop the skill of listening to the “noise” and actually recording it along with a countervailing positive affirmation, and doing this routinely, we are on our way to moving past our fears and beginning the process of creating the lives we want for ourselves.

Fear kills everything! It stops us from moving forward and keeps us stuck in the same place. And for many who have endured domestic violence the fear may cause them to return to the violent relationship as fear of the unknown becomes more frightening to the victim than the abuser.

Fear doesn't go away easily. I know - when I experience fear I picture the description of the fear written on a blackboard and see myself erasing the fear and replacing it with a positive affirmation. I do this in addition to writing them down. Both exercises calm me so that I can continue creating the life I want.

And yes I battle my fears everyday but I win, fear doesn't!

Why Women Continue to Return to the Abuser

Mon, 21 Jun 2010 13:26:51 +0100

I was speaking to a woman recently about different issues regarding domestic violence. During our discussion it became clear that she didn't understand why women who have left abusive relationships often return. Many people place blame on the victim for returning suggesting that they even like or thrive on the abuse. The attitude is; if they didn’t like being abused they would leave and not return, right?

The reasons why women return to abusive relationships are extremely complex and have less to do with the content of the woman’s character and more to do with the effects of abuse. According to statistics an abused woman may leave her abuser seven to eight times before she leaves permanently.

There are numerous reasons why women continue to return to the abusive relationship like fear, lack of a support system, lack of finances, the reality of being a single parent, guilt and religious beliefs. Because there are so many reasons and the issues are so complex I am going to focus on just the economic issues today and explore the other reasons in future blog posts.

85% of women who leave a domestic violent relationship return the abusive relationship. According to the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence a significant proportion of women who return to the domestic violence relationship attribute their inability to deal with their finances as a major contributing factor, which is often enhanced by the fact that the abuser often has all of the economic and social standing and complete control over the family finances.

Their options are limited by the fact that women who leave a domestic violence relationship often face one or more additional barriers including having at least one dependent child, not being employed outside of the home, possessing no property that is solely theirs, and lacking access to cash or bank accounts. Many of these women fear being charged with desertion if they were to leave the abusive relationships, which would seriously jeopardize their custody rights and access to joint assets. It is very likely that many of these women would experience a decline in living standards and security of life for themselves and their children if they were to leave their partner. As a result of all of these combined factors, many survivors of domestic violence who summon the courage to leave the abusive relationship eventually return for financial reasons.

In most cases women arrive at shelters with few more resources other than the clothes they are wearing. Some are burdened with debt—in many cases, their partners. Still others tumble into debt after they have left the abusive relationship because they overspend on impulse or budget poorly. Very few are yet to address the emotional and psychological issues that have dictated their poor financial choices. Rarely is a battered woman accustomed to managing her own money.

The economic reasons alone are enough that a woman who tries to leave often returns.

In my next post I will explore how the lack of a support system can affect their decision to return to the abuser.